Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Change happens all the time, every day. So why are we surprised and often dismayed?

Remember the jealous queen in Snow White? “Mirror, mirror on the wall,” she said. “Who’s the fairest of them all?” Think about change as a mirror, an instrument of self-reflection that shows us what we really look like inside, where it counts. When we see it as a tool instead of a bother, we will change how we feel about change.

Although I expected my parents to age, I watched with amazement as Mom’s auburn hair turned white, making those silvery-blue eyes even prettier. She adored romance novels, and post-retirement she indulged in all the best sellers. I remember riding on a plane with her on the way home from my niece’s wedding. When I leaned over her shoulder enough to read a few smutty paragraphs, I suppressed a gasp followed by significant amusement. She didn’t notice. Just kept reading. As for my father, he was still competing in horse shows at age 80. At one show, I watched three handlers hold a stallion steady while Dad mounted with a big grin on his face. He always said, “Getting old isn’t for sissies.” Thus, reflection about my parents showed me how much I respected the way they navigated their senior years. They weren’t perfect parents, but neither was I, and they taught me that growing older is organic and goes well for the brave and beautiful.

Similarly, I knew my children would grow up. Yet, when they left for college, although thrilled for them, I admit I did a terrible job of empty nesting. But, after much soul searching, I realized that from the time they emerged from my womb, my job was to teach and equip them to leave me. Parenting is indeed bitter sweet. But, oh.the joy, of watching them develop their gifts and become capable, successful women! Thus, I learned one of my greatest lessons about love. If it’s real, it always dovetails with freedom. True love releases the beloved to pursue their destinies with abandonment to the One Who designed them in the first place. In exchange, I received the best friends anyone could ever want.

When my husband and I got married, we didn’t give a thought to how we might change. In fact, at one point, Tom was irritated with me about something and said, “You’ve changed.” In response, I shrugged my shoulders with a short observation, “I certainly hope so. I don’t want to stay the same all my life.” That was a revelation to me and maybe a source of more irritation to him. Nevertheless, I figured out that change is the gateway for potential strengths to muscle their way to the forefront. Tom and I have both changed over the years, facing many struggles and successes together, because life throws curve balls on a regular basis. Now I see how much I love my husband, how we’ve both changed for the better, and how we’ve become deeper, kinder people. I understand that change helps create healthy humans and good marriages that provide space and support for living well on planet earth.

As for the wonderful animal creatures in my life, our fun-loving golden retrievers had white muzzles on their seventh birthdays. My sweet, tabby kitty that retrieved spongey golf balls up and down the stairs decided to leave me in a puddle of tears seventeen years later. We also had an unusually sociable black and white cat that greeted guests at the door. My Pomeranian, my buddy and closest confidante during empty nesting, went to heaven all too soon when he was only four. Yes, I believe pets wait for us in heaven. Other family members included two horses, two guinea pigs, one hamster, and a smart, little cockatiel who did a jig on her perch when she heard Tom’s car come in the garage and loved to sit on his shoulder nestling her head into his neck. From all of them, I learned about unconditional love and how to grieve with gratitude. I thank God for wagging tails, big brown eyes, gentle purrs, amusing antics, and warm snuggles on the couch. The mere memory of them makes me smile. Reflection told me they contributed greatly to the quality of our lives, warmed our hearts on hard days, and taught us how to care selflessly.

Here’s how I’ve landed on the subject of change: Whether it’s family, friends, pets, jobs, neighbors, circumstances, or the world at large, we constantly encounter unexpected delights as well as detours. One of the most significant lessons we can teach our children is how to navigate the surprises in life. Sometimes, because we want to provide a stable environment for kids, we quietly absorb the effects of change, especially the seemingly negative ones, and leave the children out of the loop. Certainly, I commend the value of stability, but kids also need to know how to detect, evaluate, accept, and direct change responsively and respectfully. Give them a mirror for self-reflection that helps them analyze any situation, weigh options, and make solid decisions. Change isn’t going away anytime soon, but our children do, and they will thank us for skill sets to live brave and beautiful lives.